04.30.07
meditation 30 april
i suppose i do have one unembarrassed passion. i want to know how it feels to care about something passionately.
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non-emergency… non-existent?
i decided to be a good citizen today and call 311 to report a giant roll of carpet in the middle of the 101. the people on the phone didn’t seem to know how to handle the call! i think i’m the only one that’s ever used it.
food is good
under the advice of a friend who works in natural health, i’ve been working on implementing a mostly raw diet.
now, since i’m neither disciplined nor vegetarian, the plan is not to get to 100% raw. thank god!!! i’m going to aim for an 80/20 ratio, if possible. for the past week, i’ve worked really hard to get myself to about the 40% range. (which, sadly, i think is what we’re all supposed to eat anyway according to the pyramid.
i gotta be honest. it sucks. i’ve been hungry for three days!!!
however, my body feels great… i’m not really sure how i can be hungry and way bored with my food choices already, yet still feel incredible as far as digestion and metabolism.
i’m a type-o and have followed the basic guidelines of the blood type diet for a few years. (not strictly, though. i’m really not interested in diets and LOVE food!!!) so i need to keep on top of my protein and iron intake. fortunately, i’m familiar enough with my body to know when that is. battling iron-deficiency anemia (yeah, i’m pasty for a reason!!) for 13 years will teach ya that :) (my anemia was most likely the result of vegetarianism when i was young. oops.)
also, my tinnitus is still driving me insane!!! it’s waking me up at night, which hasn’t happened for years. it’s seriously making me homicidal.
sorry i’m such a downer! i’m so sleep-deprived at this point, i’m a zombie.
can i get the lowest bidder, please?
in lieu of competent medical professionals, blue cross chooses to take the cheapest doctor they can find– regardless of ability, qualifications, bedside manner, or common sense.
i saw a neurologist today. oh, yes. this is him RIGHT HERE. (and no, i haven’t written anything there… those are other dissatisfied patients)
he looked at my CT scans from last week and said that the part of my brain that would show a chiari malformation was not on these scans. [1. all THREE doctors who saw them last week were clearly delusional in their diagnoses]
he then went on to say, based on the same scans, that there’s nothing wrong with me. that’s right: the scans that don’t show that part of my brain. [2. dr. has psychic powers, OR is like one of those cancer-sniffing dogs] [in which case, he should really have his own reality show]
he then said i simply suffer from migraines. [3. dr. thinks i don't know the difference between when my foot is numb and when i have a headache] and i haven’t had a migraine for 10 years.
he didn’t listen to a word i said (if you couldn’t tell!!) and checked my reflexes, which are fine. since they’re fine, “nothing’s wrong.” [4. decrease in reflexes is not a symptom of chiari 1]
he then referred me to a neurosurgeon. [5. perfectly healthy patients need neurosurgeons]
he also told me not to eat cheese. which would be useful and valid information, yes, IF I SUFFERED FROM MIGRAINES!!!!!!!!!! since i don’t, and a cheeseless life is a life not worth living, i’m ignoring this.
[6. this dr. has NEVER treated a chiari patient and is not even in the realm of being qualified to touch my CT scans, let alone make a diagnosis]
i was pretty much prepared to go through this though, so i’m not too upset. i just feel like i wasted an entire morning when i could’ve gone to see someone who at least pretended to care what i had to tell them.
i’ve found a chiari board member here at ucla medical center, and hope to finagle my way into his office soon :) –sans insurance, of course. he’ll be paid out-of-pocket. but i think a few hundred extra dollars to see someone with sufficient experience is totally worth it.
i’ll meet with whatever neurosurgeon (presumably an equally bastardized colleague of today’s jackass) and get an mri ordered. unless that guy thinks there’s no difference between a migraine and scoliosis, too… in that case, it may take a little longer.
04.24.07
meditation 24 april
what i recalled of sunday school was that the more difficult something became, the more rewarding it was in the end.
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i revoke my anger!!
i just got the phi theta kappa full tuition waiver scholarship for next year!!!!!! well, full to 12 credits- i’m taking 18, so i have to pay the difference– but WAIVER!!!!
WWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-HHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
in other news, i’m seeing the neurologist in the morning! my tinnitus has been so bad the past few days that i can’t sleep :(
but at the moment, i honestly don’t care what the shit the doctor tells me!!! i don’t have to pay for school!
the past 2 1/2 years of bitching about DENIAL after DENIAL is SO worth this!!!
04.23.07
oh yeah!!!!!!!
don’t forget to check etsy today!!!!!
(my “little angel” is featured!!)
and here’s my shameless direct link. hooray for me!!
meditation 23 april
chaos is the score upon which reality is written.
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okay, kids… i’m just about back to normal. relatively speaking, that is!!
still in hmo limbo- but hoping to make some progress this week. been searching the webrings & gathering a decent amount of information regarding my sorely misshapen and slightly dysfunctional head. ;)
long, overwritten, and excruciatingly scientific details coming soon…
04.18.07
my brain is in the wrong place. literally.
hi! i just want to start by saying that i’m OKAY!!! okay?
mere moments after my last blog sunday night (about having a lovely day and all), i lost my vision- like when i used to get migraines, only it wasn’t going away and i didn’t get a headache. then my right arm went totally numb (especially the fingers) and my tongue and face were numb on the right also.
so i was pretty freaked out and my co-workers convinced me to let them take me to the emergency room. i had a crapload of bloodwork (all came back totally fine) and also had a ct scan.
on the ct scan, they found that i have Chiari 1 Malformation in my brian, which i was born with. basically, the base of my brain is too low and sits on my spinal cord. nothing to worry about, and symptoms run the gamut from headaches (check!) to vertigo (check!) to degenerative disc disorder (check!). and some other stuff (read: 24 separate ailments) i’ve blamed on my car accident!!!! crazy!!!!!
oh yeah– it’s pronounced “key-are-ey one”, which my friend jason and i decided sounds kinda cool, like a spaceship or something :) also, while musing to kristina about how smart i’d be if my whole brain worked (kissin’ my 156 goodbye!!! haha!), but then feared i might become rain man…
here’s one of the websites that explains the problem.
since sunday, i’ve just felt kinda crappy. like i have a hangover and whiplash. it’s not very cool, but getting better each day!! :)
on the upside, i’m looking for things i can blame on my “brain problem.” for instance, “sorry i ran that red light,” “i didn’t do my homework because…” and “i can’t help you move… on account of the brain thing.” heeheeheeheehee!!
this is not life-threatening, and it’s not a tumor or disease or anything like that. i’ve made it this long being mostly just fine, so there’s nothing much to worry about! i could easily live the rest of my life in the luxurious manner i’ve carried it out in thus far. :) however, it’s rare and not yet considered a subcategory by the ama.
so if there’s anyone out there who stumbles across this blog & has chiari 1, or knows a great neurologist (pretty much anywhere), please let me know!!!!
04.16.07
meditation 15 april
a man should hear a little music, read a little poetry, and see a fine picture every day of his life, in order that worldly cares may not obliterate the sense of the beautiful which God has implanted in the human soul.
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it’s a really beautiful day, and i love it! hope you do, too :)
i went to hear great music… though not thrilled in the least about being at work now. boo.
p.s. dozens of rolls of paper towels made their way onto the 101. they were flapping in the traffic: giant, halfway-unrolled flags beneath the cars as i drove through. like a paper bag in the wind.
04.15.07
meditation 14 april
every blade in the field,
every leaf in the forest,
lays down its life in its season,
as beautifully as it was taken up.
–
thoreau
04.13.07
meditation triskaidekaphobia
in exactly three months, i will be in the midst of my first full day as an alaskan.
04.12.07
meditation 12 april
if i should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph:
THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED
FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD
WAS MUSIC
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a purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.
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i tell you, we are here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.
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and i urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, “if this isn’t nice, i don’t know what is.”
–
vonnegut
